B.B.B. (Broken But Blessed)

I’m WEAK trying to be strong. I’m SAD trying to look happy. I’m BROKEN and feeling LONELY yet my façade didn’t show any of these signs. Yes, I am wearing a mask for the past weeks and I know that it’s effective. No one noticed my brokenness until I broke down.

Last Thursday night, I broke down. I cried so many tears with my pillow to comfort me. My roommates were sleeping; I didn’t text any of my friends or even my mom. I faced everything alone because I know that I’m in the process of healing. I thought crying will help me ease the pain and let it go but it did not. I prayed and I was hit by His message. I felt guilty, I felt bad and again, I felt unworthy. I almost step down in my position because of this emotional battle. Still, I continued praying and discerning but all of His responses still didn’t change. I know this is all about ME and MY BROKEN HEART. I am having a hard time accepting everything and scared of what will happen next. But God embraced me with His love and comfort. Still, my battle continues. The feeling of unworthiness grew and my discerning prolonged. But God still didn’t change His response. That cycle repeated for almost 3-4 times.  I felt lonely, I felt worst! I don’t know to whom I should share with what my heart’s going through, I don’t know who will comfort me the best.
Right now, I am still facing this battle; still with a broken heart but with so much blessings. I felt lonely this time but God gave me my friends to comfort me. He used them to feel that I am loved and worth loving. I was too emotionally-driven this past weeks that I overlooked my blessings and focused on the brokenness that I am feeling. My heart is still thirsty but the love of my friends and my family is filling me. I am still fighting with this battle but I know that I’m in the process of winning. And my heart may be broken, but God is blessing me with His endless grace.



PS: Thank you Phoebe-my partner in Christ, Gelli- partner in sickness, Ria- partner in the dancefloor and Kikx-my TF Angel for being my strength and for always being there. I’m so blessed to have you guys in my life